Review: Jade Princess

-"I'm hot. Anyone else - not."

Jade Princess

(2000)

Language: English
Lenght: 80min
Director: Michael Zen

Is it possible to make an interesting movie about about a bachelor party? Not really. That didn’t stop the makers of Jade Princess.

- "Oh. It's my lucky day. I get to clean the dishes."

Jade Princess is a movie about a group of guys who were out celebrating the last night of freedom for one of them. They were out in a chinese restaurant, and got some fortune cookies from the hot chick owning the place. And that’s really the deal. The movie is shown in a series of flashbacks on what happens to each man after the bachelor party. Naturally, they all have lots and lots of actions scenes, but the movie isn’t really about it. It’s about a man who falls in love with the restaurants owner. Very romantic, right?

Yes. This is a bachelor party. See the blow-up doll and the text on the wall.

Well...

It’s really hard to take this movie seriously, when there’s a woman transporting through time and space like something out of Star Trek. Also there’s a scene where the hot asian chick from the restaurant is having a party with one of the guys on an Abmaster. An ABMASTER. Seriously. Here in the Antarctica we use the Abmaster for a completely different uses. Such as ab-workouts. And such.

Helllloooo booys. Aren't I hot or what

Anyway, there’s a woman who has a very nice bottom and a hideous face giving the guys a striptease performance. Or she should be giving them a striptease, but she just throws her clothes off and goes straight to the main course! Come on! I know she works at a strip bar where efficiency is the key, but does she really want the men to leave all the salads on the table!? And apparently they don’t even have pay for it!

-"So. How about that striptease now?" 

Later, the lovely couple come to together, but at that time the titular Jade Princess has all ready gone through all the other mates, so the guy in love get’s nothing but the leftovers! Here in the Antarctica it is customery to leave other peoples foods alone, even if they are nice fish dishes. We find it odd if other men eat our fish before we get a taste.

The cinematography is OK, but I can’t believe how much the cameraman loves close-ups. I mean, we have zooms of faces, we have zooms of nostrils we even have zooms of carpets. Stop that. I want to see the action scenes, and this movie looks like Jason Bourne for the most of it. Please show us the people, not their follicles.

-"I like my guys young. Like 12."

I love the Star Trek –style teleporting. Wow. It’s great enough that there’s a super hot restaurant manager walking about, but having her teleport on you while your working out on an Abmaster is... I can’t really find a right word for it. Groovy? There are other exremely neat effects too, such as the green squares flying around in the dream sequences. There is something happening in them, but there’s no way for you to see what. There’s also a smoke effect, altough I’m not quite sure if it’s beacause of the lack of lubricants. Always remember to oil your members when pumping oil from a tight spot!

Unbelieveable. A flying green rectangle!

Oh! And there’s a man that has chest hair! Always a plus! Nevermind that the guy looks like he’s 12 years old.

There’s this weird scene where this dude is stalking these women doing ”martial” arts in the park. Really, they’re just stomping around sleepykicking each other in the knees. Why? I don’t know. The women see the stalker and start doing the nasty with him. Just like that. What about everyone else in the park? Don’t they care? Aren’t there any police officers around? Kids? WTF?!

I'm not creepy. Nossiree, not creepy at all.

There are way too many characters in this movie, and the plot does not follow through. The movie would have benefited greatly if some of the characters were moved completely. Also, the dialog is your basic ” Oh YEAAAAAH!” for the women and ”GRRAAaAAAAaaAARH!!” for the men. An engineer could have written this.

We are doing martial arts. Can't you tell?

I liked the background musics in the movie. Some of them were straight out of your basic UFO –invasion movie. The ones with hot asian chicks.

Overall, I recommend this movie for short watching sessions. Or possibly on fast forward. You see, if you look at this longer than 20 minutes straight on normal speed, you will have nostrils burnt on your retinas.

And no one likes nostrils on his retinas.

**1/2 MovieChef stars!

- "God that guy is creepy." - "Nevermind, let's party!"