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Review: Eternity

This is a logo.

Eternity (2005)

2h 30 min.

Director: Brad Armstrong

Language: English

Actors: Jessica Drake, Stormy Daniels, Randy Spears...

I’ve always loved costume dramas. Well, not really, I usually find them extremely boring. However, costume dramas with action are extremely interesting. They always make my mouth all wet,  just like before a nice afternoon tea (and biscuits). Yes, I do drink tea. No, it does not make me Englishman in Antarctica.

Wellwell. It does fit, after all.

A woman is getting married, wierdly enough, in present time. In 2005. Anyway, the woman’s mother wants to tell a story about her mother. Or grandmother. Or GRAND grandmother. Apparently, the first woman-to-be-married isn’t really in a hurry to get married, because her mother manages to tell her a decade worth of story. In a very graphic manner.

...Huge tracks of land.

Ok. Female readers, a question for you: If you would tell your daughter about your grandmothers life in the 19th century, would you go in to all the little details, like how your grandmother was a total slut and pretty much sucked the whole village dry? I’d like to think you wouldn’t. Well, this mother does. Apparently that is the reason why the daughter is so interested in listening her babble on and on about all the sausages the grandmother managed to gobble.

Grammy like sausages.

Grammy REALLY like sausages.

This review may have sounded a bit negative. But worry not! This movie is definitely one to watch, IF you happen to have 2 hours and 30 minutes of free time at your hand. And/or possibly something else on your hand too. If you happen to be a couple in look for a good movie weekend, this movie is actually pretty good. It has action, drama, good acting and bad acting, and very little of the typical monologue certain female (adult) movie stars tend to use over and over again. So no ”Shitshitshit-fuckfuckfuck”. Or at least very little of it.

What a beautiful headboard!

The music in this movie was good. It fit the era nicely. Also, there was lot’s of it and even the action scenes had some on their backgrounds. The moaning of the actors fell under the music, so the scenes were quite nice to watch, even with the sounds on!

Ooooh, what do we have here? Daddy?!

There were no special effects per se, but the movie had horses! Real, living horses! NO! You sick, sick person. The horses were ridden on. NONONO! Not in THAT way. And then a horse was also shot. With a gun. A pistol. Not an organ. Sigh.

Poor horsie.

Horsie on her happy days. Before death. She dies. She's shot. Not nice.

I liked it that the actors kept parts of their clothes on during the action scenes. In a lot of movies when an action scene enters the... Scene, the clothes fly away. Not in this movie. Sometimes a woman or a man was baking a ”pie” and both actors still had their clothes on! Wow. 

Call Cheaters.

This might be a movie that even the old wife could watch without cringing. Perhaps.

(Which old wife? You can decide for yourself.)

My mother's dead. So sad. Grammy need comfort.

Oh! Grammy like comfort very much!

Grammy no remember dead mother at all anymore. Grammy Happy!

A good movie with strawberries, icecream and sparkling wine.

Ah! What a beautiful day to kill a horsie.

*** MovieChef Stars!

Review: Cry Wolf

Yeah. That's a butt alright.

Cry Wolf

(2006)

Language: English

Director: Paul Thomas

Actors: Monique Alexander, Carly Parker, Mister Marcus...

Ok. As much as I like that stories and characters are developed enough in an adult movie, enough is enough. Cry Wolf is a movie where the storie is so nuts, that there's no way to take it seriously. 

I like hamburgers.

Cry Wolf follows three main characters: Roger, Danny and Sylvia. Apparently everyone tries to screw everyone around, though I’m not sure. I couldn’t really follow the story, so sorry. Anyway, Roger plugs Sylvia in the butt, Sylvia doesn’t like it, but likes it anyway, then Danny and Sylvia try to get money from Roger, who is a very succesful idol-star, and Danny want’s to party with Sylvia, but can’t because he’s a drug addict, but later can when he gets a change to attack Sylvia’s butt, which pisses Roger off, because Sylvia is his girlfriend, but isn’t really, because they are just friends and later Sylvia plugs Roger’s butt because she is pissed about the earlier plugging of her own butt, but they all live happily ever after because who want’s to hold a grudge when you can plug some butts. Or something I DON’T KNOW. THIS SHIT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO FOLLOW. It’s like somethin out of the Day’s of our Lives! With action. But very little of it.

What. The. Hell.

The actors the music and the rest of this movie was boring as hell. The action scenes were stupid, and when I FINALLY found something positive to say about the movie (The women in this movie don’t swear or spit during parties), what do you know?! There comes the old ”Ye sure can nail me %!€€??#* coffin! Nail it harder! CrrRrrrrrrrRRRSPIT!”. 

HONEY! THE JANITOR'S HERE!

Yes. Let's check YOUR root canals next.

There were lot’s of scenes in this movie that had absolutely nothing to do with anything. They were put there just because. Also, this movie is ridiculously long. Over two hours... ...of excrutiating pain. 

OMG! I'm like soooo gonna fart!

Yup. There's definitely SOMETHING in here...

Do not bother with this movie. It’s shit.

Foods to go with this movie: None. I wouldn’t recommend eating anything while watching this poop slowly run down the hole.

Oops. (That's a microphone.)

* MovieChef star!

The best part in the movie.

Review: Pirates: Stagnetti's Revenge

The logo. Look at it. Just Look at it. It's... Amazing.

Pirates: Stagnetti’s Revenge

(2008)
Language: English
Director: Joone
Actors: Jesse Jane, Belladonna, Evan Stone...

There are two kinds of porn movies. There are the ones that have story, and then there are those that have not. Pirates: Stagnettis Revenge fits in the first category. This movie is THE definite movie for couples. It’s both funny and hot. A perfect movie for a romantic evening of food, candles and ”couples therapy”.

The sailors.

Let’s get one thing straight right away: the acting in this movie is unbelieveable in adults entertainment standards. I have never seen as funny and as entertaining adult movie. There. I said it. Never. There’s also a large amount of dialog, so much in fact that you could fit 10 normal adult films in it. And it’s actually quite entertaining.

I'm acting! I'm really, really ACTING!

The movie follows the adventures of captain Edward Reynolds in his anti-pirating work. Naturally, he has lot’s of good looking women on his boat, and even some on the land. At certain point of the movie it comes to his knowledge that his archenemy Stagnetti isn’t quite dead yet. And so he sails to destroy Stagnetti’s eeevil schemes. 

The largest worm in the movie.

Yarrrr. That be me ship!

The set design is Pirates is amazing. If there was a ”Best set design in porn” –oscar, this movie would be a no-brainer for it. There are some little things such as some actors with abnormally white teeth and/or fillings from the future, but it’s mostly the trivial things. In some action scenes the actors dialogs didn’t fit the era the movie was supposed to be set in. I know these people are pirates, but I don’t think even pirates sounded like this when ”thay wer a thumping da butt”.

I don't know what you did, but I think you liked it.

The costumes were great and looked really genuine. I wish more movies used costumes like these. Also the music was good and fit the movie nicely. It was maybe a little forgettable but otherwise I liked it. The sound effects were top notch.

Iiik. Yar.

If I have one problem with this movie it’s this: SPIT. The amount of spit flowing in this movie is ridiculous. Again. This is a problem with lot’s of newer movies. But since this movie is set on the sea, I will let it pass. Just remember.... Less SPIT on the sequel, mate.

That's pretty... Disgusting.

This movie get’s the most stars ever awarded. It's unheard of that you don't want to fast forward while watching a adult movie. Nuts even.

Great grapes. Great grapes.

Food recommentation for this movie:  Melons and wine. With good company.

Here's some melons for you.

**** MovieChef Stars

Review: DreamQuest

LOL the logo.

(2000)

Language: English

Director: Brad Armstrong

Actors: Jenna Jameson, Herschel Savage, Alexa Rae...

Dreamquest

Dreamquest follows the adventures of  Sarah on her titular Quest to find her missing fantasies from the land of SexyNarnia. Well, the land isn’t really called ”Narnia”, but I can’t remember its real name, so SexyNarnia it is. Sarah doesn’t like when her boyfriend Steven is all horny all the time. So she casts him out for the lack of romance. Because there is no doing the nasty when being romantic, right?

I like romance. And popcorn.

Luckily, two bronze arsed fairies come to to help Sarah in need. Together they go to an exciting adventure of sausages, pies and cream. The way to his archenemy Vladamir (who happens have the hold on her fantasies) is long and moist. As you probably guessed, Sarah is the moist one on this adventure, along with a few other ladies.

Whoah! A pair of bronze fairy asses! I'll take one, please.

I had ONE big problem with this movie. Sarah, who apparently is a romance freak, goes through a mirror with her fairy friends and –poof!- there goes the romance and along comes sweaty lesbian spiderwomanpartying. And near the end of this movie, she is so ready to eat any man-sausage that comes around that she doesn’t wink an eye when her ”boyfriend” sticks one in her mouth. Why? Wasn’t she supposed to be this nice librarian –type girl? Why does she suddenly go all wet on the first sausage/pie she meets?!

Oh. A shiny thing. Must touch.

Weeeeee! Poof.

One plus point in this movie is definitely the amount of fairy action they have managed to ... fit ... in this movie. It’s always nice to see two bronze assed girls do the gatekeeper.

Move along. Nothing to see here.

The music and camerawork in this movie was ok. There were some nice scenes, but sometimes the camera lingered way too long in one place. Also, the music didn’t really stick in my mind in any way. I can’t even remember if this movie had any music in it. It’s that forgettable.

Thighmaster Vladamir. Only for 99$!

Ooh. I like the pretty shiny colors.


The actors did fine. My favorite actors in this movie were the chandeleers or candlekeepers. I mean wow. Talk about a candle with a good attitude. Actually - I could probably use these candles in my restaurant.

More bronze asses. Your welcome.

You see, it’s a very romantic place.

Recommended with a nice chocolade pudding on the side.

*** MovieChef stars!