Review: Island Fever 3

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Island Fever 3

2004

Language: No

Director: Joone

Actors: Devon, Jesse Jane, Tera Patrick, Erik Masterson, Evan Stone, Barrett Blade.

I like this movie. I really do. Out of all the adult movies I have watched, this one has actually touched something deep inside my... Heart. It’s actually unbelievable, that a movie without any plot and no speech can be this entertaining. Also, the movie is ”Part 3”, which normally means that the producers have gotten some money out of the film, and decided to throw out two more, just for the hell of it. But this movie is actually... Good. In adult movie terms, at least.

Girlie luv.

If you remember my review of  Hawaiian Blast, I’ll tell you this: There’s ”paradise”, and there’s PARADISE. The scenery in Hawaiian Blast was like something out of a Chernobyl’s landscape painting (There are paintings about Chernobyl, I have seen one.). But this movie... Well, let’s just say that I would like to take my waitress, and join the fun. The scenery is amazing. Blue skies, blue seas, green palm trees and (a bit too) red sun sets. They are beutiful. And talking about beautiful...

Nice fountain you've got there.

The actresses are hot. No, not adult movie hot, but actually sexy. Okay, one of them gnarls her teeth way too much, and I saw ONE spitting scene, but that’s it. The women aren’t too skinny, or too fat. They are just as they should be. The men... Well... There’s the captain from Pirates and another guy, but this movie is way too ”Playboy” to include any more of them for the women watching this. But they are better than many other adult movie actors, and that’s good.

It's hawt.

It’s all good, It’s all good.

There’s no speech in this movie and that actually works for it’s benefit. No screams, no huffs, no puffs, and no ”grrraaaAAaaaAaaarghnnnnggggghhhhh!!!”s. What this means, is that you can actually watch this movie with the sounds on. Unbelieveable? Believe. The musics are ok to set the mood, even if they sound a bit like something you hear when you are on the phone waiting to be connected to the local tax-official.

The godly silence. And elevator music.

There are no costumes on the actors in this movie per se. Sometimes, the women waggle this strange buttwiper around in the air, but that only happens in the solo scenes. And it flies away as soon as the first sausage enters the scene.

Girls just wanna have fun. In the sun. In the water. On the beach. Ok, you get it.

As I said, I like this movie. It’s actually entertaining and exciting. I will probaply review the previous parts as well. I may have to take my waitress with me, if only to see how women act on these movies.

I recommend lots and lots of coconuts and coconut milk when you watch this movie. You’ll appreciate the energy. 

Size of mouth: 10 centimeters.

See you later.

**** Moviechef  stars!

I wills eats your sausage!!

Review: Brandy Belle

I madez this logoz, lolz. Have a cookie, plz.

Brandy Belle -webisodes

(About 2008)

Director: Some wanker down the street

Actors: Brandy Belle and some geeks on their home videos

Brandy Belle is a relatively well known adult star in the web. She doesn’t look adult, though. Some people like that, some don’t. My waitress (and girlfriend too) didn’t dig it. Yes, I have a girlfriend. She’s antarctican. And we watch people doing stooopid things in the interwebs. Such as home made adult movies. They usually suck.  So far, Brandy has not changed my mind.

 What? I'm just making some cookies here.

The webisodes have Brandy, or one of her ”friends” or fans (I like to call them ”groupies”) do wierd things to mens sauages. Also, the webisode we watched had the largest, darkest and ugliest sausage I have ever seen. Good god, you could put someones eye out with it. I liked, how Brandy’s face looked liked, when he was putting his sausage in her pie. She was like ”GAH!.”. And about to burst a vein.

I like cream and sauce on my cookies - Brandy.

Brandy’s fans are a wierd bunch. They send her their home filmed movies, and show their (bad) acting skills for all to see. Something I just remembered – Every man in these webisodes had a limp sausage. What’s wrong with them?! They have women sucking their sausages from left and right (and middle), and still can’t get the damn thing hard! Whaaat? What the hell do you need? A vacuum cleaner?!

-"You has a limp sausage, lolz." -"King of the hill Baby! King - of - the - hill!"

There was no music. It was odd. Some men had this strange Darth Vaderish sound coming from them while they had parties with their girlfriends. Maybe they had lung cancer, I don’t know. I liked that there were no screamers/swearers in here, They always make my sausage limp too.

Yay! Sticky stuff!

Costumes in these webisodes was standard fare, office workers and strings. The props were amazing. At one point three girls were eating a sausage in a closet. That was great.

I likes my sausage between girls lips. Niceeeee...

Not really.

** MovieChef Stars!

Cool props.

Review: Party Hardcore

Yes. The bright colors make young girls like us.

Party Hardcore

(200X-200X)

Language: Stupid

Director: Whogivesaflyingfoober

Actors: Local college and a couple of swedish exchange students

I have seen a lot of shitty adult movies on my time, but sometimes some movies step beyond certain boundaries. They just make me ask ”Why?”. Party Hardcore –webisodes are definitely shitty. And here’s why.

Wuuhuu! A train1!11!

Party Hardcore is a series og webisodes, where stupid women go party with (ugly) male strippers. Everyone’s really drunk and all the basic self-preservation goes out the window. As long as there’s sausage to be had, my pie is ready! The people are all swetty and wet with all kinds of liquids. Not least of them is alcohol. And probaply full of drugs too.

I'm fine. I just like looking like a circus freak.

Now, the basic set-up goes like this: There’s a party, where only females are welcome. There are male strippers in the party. The women get free alcohol. They get drunk. Then the strippers show their johnsons and all hell breaks loose.

We like alcohol.

The basic problem with Party Hardcore is, that it feels dirty. No, not in a good way. In a bad way. These silly girls are getting humped from left and right, and no-one really knows what the fuck is going on. There’s a sausage here and a pie here. Lots and lots of tits too. And meatballs for those who like them. But in the end, you just end up feeling sad for these idiots. I don’t think that what they were going for.

THaaaR She BLoooWs!

There zero plot in this series. Nada. Zip. Everyone just parties a lot. Efficient, yes. Stupid? Also yes.

A lot of songs in these webisodes are your basic party songs, such as ”Boomboomboom” , ”BoomshkaBoomshka” and my personal favorite ”Uuuuliu-u-uuliu-u-uuli”. If you like shit like this, you’ll probaply like these too.

Look mom! I'm dancing! With my top half off and my panties on the floor!

I’m stunned. There’s really not much to say about these webisodes. They just party. Again, and again, and again.

Yes. Women with pants below their knees are super sexy. Also, I like hair.

And spurt some whipped cream too.

Drink lot’s of alcohol before watching these webisodes. Otherwise, the stupidity of the people in them is overwhelming.

Am I sexy or wut?

* ½ MovieChef stars!

Special review: Bible Black Episode 1

Oh the horror.

Bible Black Episode 1

(2001)

Language: Japanese, english subtitles.

This is a special review. I’ve recently come into contact with these things people call hentai. Hentai is like what disney characters do when the camera goes off. Everyone knows what donald and daisy do on their free time, but none of us (or at least very few of us) want to see what they do.

Our hero. Not creepy. At all.

So. There’s this school where there are these moist girlies, who apparently study something, I don’t know what, but I digress. There’s this creepy nerd from nerdlandia, who has found a book of (hentai-) magic. Reading the book gets everyone all wet and slippery. And since this guy is a school”boy”, he’s very happy with the concequeces of his actions.

That's because you are stoopid.

The animation is pretty good, at least when some action is on the screen. Most of the time only mouths or eyes of the people move, but while they are doing the most beautiful thing in the world, their fat moves also. And what a shiny fat it is.

Shiny happy people making friends. And sauces.

The music was very nice. It fit the wierd scenes nicely.

There were some very odd things in this movie. The beginning was like something out of the Excorcist. Also, I’m not sure who recruits these (female..? Or wut?) teachers in this school, since at least one of them has a secret that is quite HARD to hide.

This is sooo erotic. I'll try this with my wife later.

Oh. She want's me to see her panties. How cute. I like panties.

OMG! WTF IS THAT! I DON'T EVEN!

But nevermind. Since I'm moist, it's a good time to put THAT THING in good use.

I recommend a nice strawberry sauce and a large portion of ice cream while watching this movie. You are going to need something cold and wet to get your throat working again.

Here we see an example of over eating. A huge butt.

- OH! And this movie was very short! I liked that!

*** MovieChef stars!

Review: Tenerife

This logo was done by Bob Jr. 4 years old.

Tenerife

(2005)

Language: English

Director: Alessandro Del Mar

Actors: Melissa Black, Jane Darling, Silvia Saint...

Oh Tenerife, the land of dreams and mighty good seafood. These are something you will not get when watching this film. So why bother? No reason. Don’t.

What a golly gay weather were having!

A group of guys are chatting in a house when random women are ah-so-hoony, and play a little ”hide the sausage” –game with the guys. Yes, the plot is stupid and non-existant. Interestingly, the place the people are in doesn’t really look like Tenerife. The weather was horrible and there seemed to be so cold, that the women actually had their nipples grow inside their boobs! That was interesting.

It's so cold! Please, WARM ME UP, NOW!

I’m not totally sure, but I think these guys like each other more than the girls. Their sausages hit each other all the time, and they spend waaay too much time in the backdoors of the girls. Also, the girls like senap on their sausages. I think.

Mr Probe in: Time for analprobing.

Mr. Probe in: Moar probing.

The male actors were ugly as shit. One of them is half bold, but still manages to have a hairstyle from an 80’s rockband. It’s quite groovy.

What? I like my hairstyle! Ok, it may be missing a few, but...

This movie is for people who like someone coming in from their backdoors, and have spent a very shitty holiday in an island resort.

A girl in senap sauce.

Food: Fish & chips. And water. And senap.

* Moviechef star!

Oh Silvia. What happened to you?!